February 24, 2012
Dear Baby,
It seems like ever since your dad and I started talking about actually making you come to be, I see you everywhere I look. This morning I was waiting for the microwave to finish and I glanced over at the dining table and I saw what a highchair would look like in our kitchen. When I walk into the second bedroom I always think, “What will we do with all this junk when it’s time to turn this into a nursery?” And lately, whenever I test my blood sugar and see a number outside the range I want, I think, “How am I going to keep my baby safe and healthy when I’m pregnant?” That question is one that has been weighing on me a lot this week. I think it’s because last weekend your dad and I really decided, like really REALLY decided, that we want to start to try to make you happen this summer/fall. Also, I’m on school vacation so I’ve had a lot of time to think; just me and my obsessive thoughts and worries. I did some reading on the internet, found a great blog by a diabetic woman who had a successful pregnancy, and ordered a book written by professionals at Joslin on pre-pregnancy and pregnancy guidelines.
It seems like ever since your dad and I started talking about actually making you come to be, I see you everywhere I look. This morning I was waiting for the microwave to finish and I glanced over at the dining table and I saw what a highchair would look like in our kitchen. When I walk into the second bedroom I always think, “What will we do with all this junk when it’s time to turn this into a nursery?” And lately, whenever I test my blood sugar and see a number outside the range I want, I think, “How am I going to keep my baby safe and healthy when I’m pregnant?” That question is one that has been weighing on me a lot this week. I think it’s because last weekend your dad and I really decided, like really REALLY decided, that we want to start to try to make you happen this summer/fall. Also, I’m on school vacation so I’ve had a lot of time to think; just me and my obsessive thoughts and worries. I did some reading on the internet, found a great blog by a diabetic woman who had a successful pregnancy, and ordered a book written by professionals at Joslin on pre-pregnancy and pregnancy guidelines.
I spent a lot of this week feeling overwhelmed and
depressed. How am I going to do this? How am I going to do better than I’m
doing now? I already count carbs, adjust basals, test 7-9 times a day, and try
so hard to be successful at this despicable disease. I am conscientious,
responsible, smart, and careful. And still I’m not where I want to be and
should be when trying to become pregnant. Your dad, always the voice of support
if not always reason, has reassured me that I’m doing just what I should be doing.
That we’re months away from embarking on this battle and journey so all I need
to be doing now is tightening my numbers up and moving towards our
first meeting with Dr. For Baby* at Joslin on May 4.
Joslin recommends women/couples begin planning for pregnancy
6-9 months before conception. So much for spontaneity. So much for enjoying
being “just” married and then deciding together to get pregnant and trying then
and there. Thank goodness B and I are natural planners. And thank goodness
we both want you so much. But it still makes me angry. I can’t do anything, it
feels like, without mapping it out. I can’t work out, I can’t eat, I can’t
travel and I can’t have a baby without a very careful plan. I will admit, most
of the days, my diabetes is a side dish to my life. B, school, my family
and friends, those are the main courses. But no matter how many times I’ve
welled up in frustration and or freaked out with fear this week, I have never once doubted my
decision. Never once did I ask myself if all this work and planning, is and
will be worth it. Because you, sweet one, are the dessert.
*Alias. Correction: Funny alias.
*Alias. Correction: Funny alias.
